Once Upon a Time
by Buntaichou
Summary: Plot and setting based on Shrek, but with a few tweaks. Rated T for innuendos, minor violence, swearing etc. Levi/Eren (RiRen): don't like, don't read. R&R please!
1. Chapter 1

Break down of terms, yo~!

Creature/s: (usually magical) a term defining a person with supernatural powers or abilities. See Ogre, Dhemon, Cursed, Wyvern.

Ogre: a person cursed from another life. They bare a twisted tattoo underneath their right eye. Of all Creatures, they are the most erratic with moods, but are known to be very violent at times. They have slight Magic abilities and are usually strong.

Dhemon (mostly written as Demon but pronounced the former): a person who can manipulate the air about them; thus their form, also.

Curses and the Cursed: Curses can be inflicted only by a few Nameless Creatures, and usually result in eventual death or injury (mental or otherwise) the Cursed are those Humans affected by it.

Nameless Creatures: also known as Unknown. They are extremely dangerous and their powers range from mediocre to macabre. They bare a gold eye on the inside of their wrist.

Wyvern: strangely mesmerising Creatures, usually female in appearance. Wyverns are rare and there are only a few in known locations. They have control over Fire and have a scaled quality to their paled skin; it often looks silverish in the light.

..

so I got this idea the other day, from watching Shrek- of all things!

I hope you guys like this random parody of it :)

Disclaimer: Doesn't own AoT/SnK

* * *

...

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a man named Levi.

Well, this wasn't your average man, of course, he was an Ogre.

His hair was black and his stature short; the latter something he hated people mentioning. At all.

As an Ogre, he was shunned by most of society- not that he minded; he didn't care for humans or anybody else- and lived in the remnants of a forest, burned out and a good three leagues from the nearest town or camp.

It was a crisp Saturday morning when Levi stepped outside, shivering slightly in his light, homespun wool shirt and pants. Due to his current- ahem- situation, money was scarce for him, thus, he had minimal clothing. Unless he mugged a Human.

"Note to self; kill Human for warmer clothing by Tuesday, at the latest." he said sarcastically, eyes smouldering as he looked around at his abode; a simple cottage of wood and stone, surrounded by old oak trees, either dead or dying.

The wind picked up again, stirring the branches as he went inside again to begin his routine of cleaning; mop, dust, bin, repeat as desired. (Which for him, took two and a half hours)

He was about to start pulling on his shoes when he heard a chorus of cheerful laughter break out outside.

Pursing his lips, Levi went outside barefoot, glancing around.

He saw a brief flash of brown hair and a glimmer of brown eyes through the trees but it was gone as quickly as he saw it. Shrugging, he turned to go back inside but the rattling of chain mail alerted him to three youths rushing past his house, evidently following whatever had gone past.

"Get the Demon! Lord Kirschtein wants forty more Creatures removed by tomorrow."

Levi did not speak, silently watching the trio as they disappeared from view.

Another hunt, it seemed.

He slipped back inside, shutting the door firmly behind himself before retrieving his shoes then venturing back outside again, picking up an axe from beside his house and walking over to a fallen tree about twenty metres away from the cottage.

Swing, crack, swing, crack.

Levi got into the rhythm of it quickly, almost fully focussed on chopping up wood. Almost.

He certainly noticed the shadow that moved up behind him.

He swung the axe around as he turned, using that swing as a warning, the edge nearly swiping the cheek of the bespectacled woman whom stood there.

"Oh my!" she exclaimed, brown eyes wide behind her glasses. She held up both hands, smiling widely.

"Who the fuck are you and what do you want?" Levi asked, cutting to the chase.

"Hanji Zoe, pleasure to meet you, Mr Ogre! I came to warn you, those men-"

"Are gathering Creatures," he finished for her, returning to his work without another glance at her, "I am aware. I can handle myself."

Hanji nodded slowly, moving to sit cross-legged on the ground.

"I don't doubt that-"

"Leave."

"Now? But why? You haven't told me your name yet!"

"Levi, now go! You're distracting me."

The woman obliged, smiling slightly as her body shimmered with each step, eventually disappearing altogether.

Levi stared for a moment, his face blank but his mind reeling.

A fucking _Demon_.

Demon, Shifter, Annoyance Personified.

He tsked, picking up his stack of wood and going back to his cottage. After replenishing his store of firewood, he lit his fire and sat down, staring into the flames. A hunt was something he had gotten used to over the last fifteen years; every so often, Humans would decide that the Creatures were invading their privacy and whatnot and bitch to the king- or Lord, as their case was. Most times, his cottage was overlooked but others, he had to fight back.

The Hunt meant relocating. But this hunt sounded... different. In recent years, the relations between Creatures and Humans had soured quite a bit; the young Lord Jean was mainly to blame for this. He was a dreamer, egotistical and quite a pompous prick. He had had many killed to make people feel 'safe' and 'happy'.

Hours passed, and before Levi knew it; it was nearly sunset. Rousing from a nap in his chair, he poked the dying embers of the fire, watching silently as the fire flickered back to life.

"Mama, where's my shoes?"

Levi frowned, glancing out the window at the sight of a fire with people around it. He shook his head, shutting his eyes before reopening them and looking again.

That was no reflection; there were people and a fire.

Levi rushed to the door, wrenching it open and glaring at the squatters. Some were still setting up, but most had already settled down.

"What the fuck is this?!" he yelled, gaining a few looks of disdain.

There was no response, just a whole lot of silence and staring.

He inhaled sharply, shutting the door once again. He was about to return to his armchair when there was a light knock at the door. Sighing again, he went back over and reopened the door, half expecting a squatter begging for food. Instead, a young lad- a fairly feminine boy, I might add- stood there, wearing chain mail with a gold and grey tabard. Behind him stood a bored looking kid with a buzz cut, holding the flag of Lord Jean Kirschtein.

"Sorry to disturb you, sir, but we are here to inform you of Lord Kirschtein's plans..."


	2. Chapter 2

_So people are reading this :3_

_sweet! Hope you guys like this. I know, the chapters are short but here's the thing; I can't write long, laboriously written stories that astound and intrigue. I just write FanFiction._

_Guest: thanks! I thought I sucked so thank you ^_^_

* * *

Without so much as a blink, Levi grabbed the feminine boy and dragged him inside.

"What plans?" Levi asked, shoving the now heavily sweating kid against the wall.

"I-I-I..-"

"Speak! You have a tongue, use it to fucking communicate."

"Jea- Lord Kirstein wishes to use this clearing as a containment site for Creatures."

Levi's eyes narrowed, his grip on the young man's tabard tightening.

"You had better not be bull shitting me." he growled.

"I swear on my life!"

'What's left of it.' Levi thought, staring at him.

"What is your name?"

"A-Armin Arlert."

"Well, Armin Arlert, can you tell me why I wasn't asked if this little... plan was intruding on my property?"

Armin shook his head thoroughly. Levi smirked slightly. Naturally, the boy looked like he was going to faint.

He leaned closer.

"Because I'm an Ogre. Cursed in another life, left with this," he pointed to the tattoo under his right eye, "in this life. You Humans are scared of us because we are different. Because we might possess powers that might fuck up your oh-so wonderful lives. Tell me, Armin, why won't Jean drag his ass out here himself, hm?"

The Human looked ill, his face pallid and sweaty.

"I-I don't know."

Levi nodded in satisfaction, opening the door and shoving Armin out, sending the boy tumbling to the ground along with the flag bearer.

Stepping out into the cooling night air, his grey eyes swept the area.

"Armin Arlert couldn't give me an answer as to why you landstealing fuckers are here without my implicit, wholehearted agreement. Anyone happy to explain?"

A figure stood up, on the edge of one of the fires and laughed.

"Ask him yourself, perhaps?"

Levi was silent, mulling it over.

"I don't know where the castle is." he admitted.

The figure grinned, moving closer. The flames flickered behind them and to the side, from another fire, illuminating their face.

Hanji.

"You."

"Hello, Levi!" Hanji sang, giving a small wave, "I know where the castle is."

Levi frowned.

"... Right."

"I was going that direction anyways."

"... Swear that you won't annoy me and I'll go with you."

"I swear!"

Levi sighed, nodding briefly before returning to his cottage.

This was going to be a long journey...

* * *

Meanwhile, in a castle ten leagues South-East of there, Jean sat on the edge of his bed, peering at the servant.

"Marco, repeat the message."

"... The Mirror has arrived. Jean-"

"Bring her in."

"Yes, my lord."

Jean watched the other leave, heaving a sigh. Laws restricted his rights, he mused, so he couldn't marry Marco.

The main reason being obvious; he was a servant.

Nonetheless, their midnight rendezvous only stopped because his mother was visiting and insisted that he marry a nobel. He snorted, rolling his eyes. She was a senile fool, something he never regretted having told her to her face.

A soft knock at the door dragged him out of his thoughts and he nodded to himself, smirking. Well, he could always take a wife and still have a lover, if needs be...

Marco entered the room at Jean's call of 'Yes?', with him a young woman of great beauty. Her eyes were as dark as the midnight sky, and her hair a silken black. Her skin was creamy with no imperfections.

Jean might have fallen for her utterly, if he hadn't known her identity.

She was the Mirror.

An Unknown Creature.

"What do you want?" Her voice was crystalline, making him shudder slightly.

"I'm sure you already know-"

"Yes. You wish to be King."

Jean waved Marco away, eyes intent on the Creature.

"How would I do it?"

"Marry."

"Who?"

The Mirror sighed, flicking her wrists. A shimmering gold screen appeared in front of Jean, flicking through multiple faces, until it began to slow down to a complete stop. Three faces shimmered in front of him.

"The left is Historia. She prefers the name Krista but I wouldn't bother; she has a bodyguard who'd kill you if you tried to take her away. The centre is Sasha... Don't ask. You marry her; have fun dealing with her appetite. The right is Eren. He is guarded by a Wyvern in a tower, a good three days away from here. He is-"

"Perfect."

"I-I... What."

Jean ignored her, moving to the door.

"Marco! Go find my messenger! We'll host a tournament or something." he smiled secretively, "I'm getting married."

* * *

It had taken a day. A goddamn _day_ to get there, but at least they had made it, sore feet and all.

Levi ignored the looks the both of them got from the guard, pointedly staring at them when they did not move.

"Sorry."

"Our apologies..."

Hanji's eyes followed the Ogre's every movement, raising an eyebrow when he slammed his fist into a gate, watching the metal creak and collapse, falling to the ground. The duo entered the arena just as an announcement was finished;

"... thus, the champion will receive whatever they want upon completion of the mission."

The soft _sh-iiiing_ of a sword being unsheathed alerted Levi to a guard advancing towards him, soon followed by ten others. A cry went up in the crowd, "Gosh, an Ogre! Look, see the Tattoo!"

All eyes were on them by the time Levi had to act, grabbing a guard and dislocating his shoulder with a loud pop.

Even Jean was looking.

The young Lord leaned forward, watching Levi bash Jean's own guards senseless. Finally, he raised a hand and the crowd hushed, everything stopping. Even Levi stopped, glaring up at him.

"I've found my champion."


	3. Chapter 3

_ 3: thanks lovie :)_

_snk-sunshine: don't worry; I've planned for that to happen later._

_Tyki Mikk: Why thank you! I'm glad you think that my choices and thoughts were good. ^_^_

_sorry for the two week delay! I had my formal this past week and my birthday (woot, 16 already!) I'll try to update again on Sunday- well, Sunday for me haha._

_Hope you guys like this chapter :)_

* * *

_"I've found my champion."_

The words and following events replayed over and over again in Levi's mind as he walked, miles from the castle. Hanji was next to him, watching him closely, perhaps too closely.

Levi leaned away from her, wrinkling his nose slightly. "Remember what I said about being annoying, demon?"

"Yes, I do."

"You're getting real close to being annoying." Levi said pointedly, staring at her deliberately.

She stuck her thumbs behind the straps of her bag, shrugging as she moved past him, into the towering trees a few metres ahead. He sighed as he too stepped into the shade, shuddering at the cold breeze.

His thoughts returned to the events of an hour ago.

"Champion my ass, move the fucking squatters off my land or I'll strip and tan your hide, Lord or no."

Jean stared down at him, his gaze disdainful. "Get the nobel and I'll move the squatters."

Raising a hand, Levi calmly gave the lord the finger, shrugging as he spoke, "How do I know you're not lying and or just using me- a Creature- as your bitch?"

"How do I know you won't just kill the Prince? See? We've both got our doubts."

"... Fine."

"You'll do it?" Levi nodded, and Jean smirked, "Consider the squatters moved."

"Leviiii, helloooo?"

The Ogre's head snapped up, grey eyes narrowing at the sight of Hanji twelve metres ahead, feet digging into the trunk of a huge fallen tree. She was precariously positioned, her body nestled between two branches, swaying slightly in time with the breeze as she cleaned her glasses, eyes on Levi; amusedly watching him.

"What?"

"You were gonna fall into a trap..." She indicated a net, spread over a shallow trench a metre from where he stood. Glaring at her, he took a few steps back and graciously propelled himself over the obstacle, landing on two feet, in a slight crouch little less than seven metres away from the Demon, who laughed and clapped in delight.

"Ooh~! Can you smash this tree up? Maybe-"

"Shut up, shitty glasses. We waste time talking. I want to have this... shitty 'be a bitch for Jean' thing to be over and done with ASAP."

"Alright, alright..."

* * *

Three days had turned into several, the journey interrupted by a storm, an instance of theft, and a flooded path, which had meant they had had to change the direction and path they took to one that included sharp rocks, dead trees and a viscious hermit who screamed abuse at them until Hanji, apparently understanding the strange language the hermit spoke, gave him a handful of pebbles and led Levi away.

On the seventh morning, it was raining. They had slept in a cave and could see the castle from where they were, it's spires rising high through the mist that the rain brought.

It was well into the night when the rain cleared and Levi, being agitated as he was, dragged Hanji with him out into the wild landscape, wind lashing at their coats, puddles soaking through the soles of their boots.

The castle was a surprise; it wasn't as close as they had originally thought and was much, much bigger. Surrounding it was a moat- or what should have been. As they moved closer, stepping onto the drawbridge, it became clear that there was no moat. Only a long, long fall downwards. Sooty, blackened marks marred the occasional rock around the 'moat', also scarring the once beautiful walls of the castle. Huge, tattered and aged banners hung on either side of the gate, the edges charred.

"Wyvern." Hanji mused, eyes picking up on little details as they slipped inside the silent castle, entering a surprisingly candle-lit hallway. Flames flickered from a supposed fireplace in another room, which had its oaken doors open, a scent of food wafting. The Demon clapped a hand over her mouth, eyes wide.

"Oh gosh!"

Levi didn't speak, just tilting his head and staring up at her blankly.

"This castle... I recognise it. I've seen maps, from long ago!" Hanji giggled mischievously, "I know where the Prince would be."

He was about to ask where when her arm snaked out unexpectedly, grabbing his forearm. Their eyes met as a shiveringly disgusting feeling overwhelmed the both of them, like icy cold water mixed with the feel of slithering snakes, over every inch of skin. Hanji pressed a finger to her lips and that was when he heard the soft footsteps, coming from the room with the fireplace.

Soon enough, a woman stepped out of the room. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a messy bun, fringe covering one eye as she turned, icy blue eyes scanning the hallway. A streak of moonlight from the huge door illuminated her form for a moment, her skin glowing softly for a moment. Scales. Little, tiny but perfect scales.

"See? Wyvern-"

Levi gave her a warning look, shaking his head but she laughed, poking his cheek. "I made a barrier between us and can't see or hear us. But she can feel, so don't get too close or stab her."

"Hn, right."

Hanji grinned, leading Levi by the hand, towards the stairs.

The Wyvern's voice stopped them in their tracks.

"I know you're there... Someone's here..."

Utter silence. Then Hanji whispered to Levi a few things before darting off down the hallway, deliberately smashing an old vase on her way.

"Go find the Prince; he should be in the third door corridor from the top of the stairs, eighth room along. I'll distract her. The barrier will last only three minutes once you leave my side so be quick, I'll be outside the window."

His boots thudded silently against the stone flooring as he raced up the stairs, finding the third corridor easily, the same with the eighth room. The door, however, did not budge when he pushed it. Pursing his lips, he smashed the door handle without a second thought, opening it without anymore, other than a disgusted one at how unkept the bedroom was.

Stacks of books along the walls, on the floor. A plate, a cup... A bucket that smelt quite simple _horrid. _And a crystalline case in the corner.

Upon further inspection, Levi realised it wasn't a case but more of a natural-looking deep grey-blue coloured crystal, like the depths of an ocean. It was beautiful and the moonlight streaming through an open window did not make it less so. He stepped closer, eyes wide as he stared, enraptured by it. He caught a glimpse of a body within; long, graceful legs, a peaceful face whose dark hair rippled in small movements as if the thing was suspended in water. It was there one moment, gone the next.

As quick as Levi had blinked, the moon disappeared from view entirely, it wasn't a man there but a child, of probably no more than twelve or thirteen.

It must have been a trick of light.


End file.
